What NOT To Do to Older Children

Good Night, John-Boy!

People don’t ‘do’ children these days like they used to. Why, in my parents’ generation it wasn’t at all unusual for a couple to have a dozen or more children, and for parents to become grandparents while they were still popping out a baby every other year!

In those days a parent had plenty of time to become a ‘Pro’ while still having children to personally raise. Make the worst mistakes with the eldest, the least with the youngest, and all the kids in between suffering a little less of that “rough childhood syndrome” as time went along. Not everybody’s family was The Waltons, where Ma and Pa were pros right from the start.

Of course, those darned Waltons did have Grandma and Grampa living with them. Or they lived with the grands (it being the Great Depression and all). These days most couples have just a few children, two being average and four being a regular big deal. And with a transient society where people move around a lot to get good work, grandparents aren’t as prevalent in a child’s life as they once were either.

We found that there were some basic no-nos as kids get older that they’d figured out a long time ago, while we were busy making the same mistakes they’d already learned were mistakes. These aren’t the same as deciding whether corporal punishment will ever be allowed, or how you’ll organize bedtime, time-outs and encourage helpfulness around the house for your toddlers and pre-schoolers.

Hardly anyone gets “taught” about parenthood - it’s a trial-by-fire feet-first dive into the deep end of life. And if you’re only going to do it once or twice in your life, it would be advisable to avoid known mistakes. Older kids need more space than young children do, and more respect for their autonomy. It’s easy to forget day to day that your babies are growing up quickly, but that’s just what happens anyway. Best to be prepared for that eventuality early on as well.

Below are some worlds of wisdom from old-timers, that should be taken to heart even as your life and lifestyle changes to accommodate babies. Because they won’t be babies very long.

Mistakes Not to Make with Older Children

1. Failing to respect your children’s privacy. Having a place of their own becomes especially important as children reach adolescence. This place could be as insignificant as a purse, a diary, a shoebox of notes or even just a drawer in a desk. The important thing is that your child understand that this is his/her private space, and that you will not rummage through it without permission.

2. Betraying your children’s confidence. Children need to feel that they can trust their parents at a basic level. Such trust forms the foundation of self-esteem and trust in others. One way to earn a child’s trust is to respect their ’secrets’. The only time this confidence should be sacrificed is when not doing so would endanger your child or someone else. And even then, a simple and honest explanation to the child is warranted.

3. Not setting appropriate limits. Children of all ages need limits. House rules, curfews, respect toward other household members, etc. It can be difficult for parents to be firm and consistent in setting and enforcing such limits, but a parent is not the same thing as a good buddy. Kids need parents to be in charge, and can become anxious and afraid if they see parental weakness.

4. Not following through on rules and punishments. The consequences of not following through are similar to not setting the appropriate limits in the first place. Children will feel out of control and behave worse than before. In general this leads to frustration for everyone.

5. Relinquishing control of your children to someone else. Fewer children these days are being raised in a traditional two-parent household than ever before. In most homes where there are two parents, both parents work. This makes regular outside child care a necessity, and this can cause confusion about who is really in charge - the parents or the caregiver. Children need to feel that their parents are strong and in control, and that they understand from home what their manners, duties and responsibilities are. Parents should make sure child care personnel have similar rules and punishments, or make sure the caregiver knows what is expected.

6. Constantly criticizing your children. Parents can be critical of their children because they love them so much. But too much criticism can make a child shy and reluctant to engage, can cause poor self esteem, and can seriously affect success at school.

Trying to change your child’s personality. Nobody’s perfect. The impulse to try and change a child’s personality into something s/he is not can do serious damage to the child’s self esteem and confidence. Avoid the temptation, learn to enjoy your children for who they are as unique individuals.

7. Use inappropriate statements as discipline. Things NOT to say:
- “You’re bad.”
- “Wait till Daddy comes home!”
- “Because I’m the Boss, that’s why.”
- “Your [sister, brother] doesn’t do that.”
- “See if I care.”
- “You never do anything right.”
In other words, don’t threaten them with your partner’s wrath, don’t pretend you don’t care, don’t compare them with someone else, and don’t belittle their being.

8. Foster dependence long after it’s realistic. Successful parenting prepares children to make their own way in the world as best they can. Growing childrens’ benchmarks all seem to come with signs of increasing independence. Allow them that independence, but don’t encourage complete disinterest. Be proud of their benchmarks - and tell them you’re proud.

Children are a huge disruption in any couple’s life, and a big responsibility. Yet they’re the most rewarding of life’s investments, an expansion of a love you may have thought couldn’t get any greater. Perhaps that’s why they call having children “Multiplying” instead of “Dividing,” eh?

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Filed under Child-Parent Relationships, Child-Space, Discipline, Family Life, Older Children |