I hope that some of my readers have clicked on the blogroll links over to the right side of this page and are passingly familiar with some of the excellent offerings there. One of those, Super Granny, is by Sally Wendkos Olds. Who really is Super Granny, and now has a a book by the same name available for us all to add to our libraries and pass on to our children when they become grandparents themselves.

The subtitle is “Great Stuff to Do with Your Grandkids,” and it’s a regular treasure trove of ideas and projects grouped ever so usefully into age ranges and includes things even the most tech-savvy kids will find to be great fun. Don’t let on to the grandkids, but some of them are even… (gasp!)… educational!

Olds’ conversational style and well-honed writing skill makes the book eminently readable, and since it graced my mailbox my older grandchildren have taken to reading it themselves for fun ideas even when this poor old granny is too busy doing paid work to get immediately involved. They set things up and then all I have to do is join in – does that make my beloveds Super Grandkids? I think so…

Of course, as the weather warms there are enough ongoing projects out in the garden, on the ridge trails and disc golf course, or even in granny’s several major projects for the year – including a nifty solar food dryer the kids are very excited about and planning to describe for their next school years’ edification – to keep them plenty busy for the next few months. Still, they’re becoming familiar with the many great resources and hints, so I’m expecting that during the big gatherings when there are 2-5 year olds here for the teenagers to entertain they’ll be pulling out Super Granny for themselves. As if the book itself qualifies by that title for their purposes!

Again, that’s Super Granny. Get yours today!

Yea, the kids are home! Kind of strange how empty this place seemed while they were gone. Hurricane Fay came through in August and dumped a full foot of rain in two days, flooding the ground floor thoroughly and making hubby and I have to sleep on the fouton on the living room floor. We liked it being so handy so much that we stayed there for a month before putting the room back together. It was just us, who’s to care?

I never quite figured out how to cook meals for just the two of us either, the leftovers just kept piling up until the fridge was completely overloaded. It all eventually got tossed into the compost bin. When the pears ripened Da Bear came on in to feast, totally destroyed the trash bin to get to – whatever was in there he thought he could eat. Since we don’t toss food scraps, I’m guessing it was stale, flat, watered-down drips of beer from cans waiting for recycling.

Grandson only got to work a few days at his Dad’s comic book shop, but enjoyed it a lot. Didn’t earn anything for college, of course. His dreadlocks are dreadful, sort of a sickly green color from too much time in the neighbor’s swimming pool. Did manage to get his internal clock turned entirely backwards by the weird schedules of my sister’s family. Sister – the one who has a regular day-job – didn’t want to let him go, he’s the only one who could deal with my ‘headstrong’ 5-year old niece, who adores him. My sister has learned more about how NOT to give in to niece’s mad demands from my dear only-child grandson than she ever learned by just being a parent!

Daughter is exhausted from her nursing ordeal, very saddened by our old friend’s condition. She did get to accompany him to Costa Rica, which was a lot of fun for her despite 12 hour a day nursing duties. Met lots of cool ex-pats and locals, who took to calling her “Shiny-Girl” or “Tough-As-Nails” (because she could put up with the “Hard Man”).

They’re both very glad to be home, just before the autumn leaves peak. The fuel situation kept our Western North Carolina tourist season at bay all summer as people decided to just stay home, our October leaf-looker season is also looking to be a bust this year as the economy melts down. Tourism is the #1 industry here – at least half the citizens make their living off visitors one way or another – so we will of course suffer worse than most areas of the country. If it’s mere “recession” out there, it’ll be a full-fledged depression here.

So we’re going to reconnoiter about what to do from here to keep our home and property, have enough money to buy food, etc. Maybe start a new home business, sell my car to get daughter’s car fixed (needs an engine), whatever is necessary. In the meantime, I’m delighted to have ‘em home!

Here’s hoping that all my readers had a happy, safe and brightly-lit Independence Day this year! Ours was particularly great, with Grandson #2 (two months younger than #1), his Mom and soon-to-be official Stepdad and 15-year old sister we’ve only met once before. Other guests were at a minimum, which allowed us to just hang out together, tell stories and talk about ’stuff’, hike on the Mount Mitchell Trail a bit, and break in my brand new deck.

We hadn’t seen grandson Michael for four years, which is way too long! Last time he was here – for the 4th of July – he got bitten by a copperhead on day-1 and had to spend the next three days in the hospital. Not much of a birthday vacation! Luckily, copperheads have thus far been absent this year (knock on wood), so Mike and I were able to spend good time together picking blackberries and making cobbler, accumulating lots of thorn pricks and scratches in the process. We only looked slightly war-weary by the time the cobbler was done, badges of honor around here!

He’s grown into a fine young man (18 now). Very good-looking, with our son’s high forehead threatening to turn into Ben Franklin by the time he’s 30. Runs in the male side of my family strongly – Dad always grew one side long and brushed it over his bald pate, which is the silliest hairdo anybody ever invented! I figure Mike will brave it with a full Ben Franklin when the time comes. Or maybe imitate Grandpa, who shaves his head even though he does have more hair than anybody needs. He’s turned out sweet and thoughtful, bright and talented without our help, so I was sure to compliment Mom on her good job.

His father – our son – died when Mike was just two. It hasn’t been a very easy life for any of them, and I am once again very glad that for them things seem to have worked out well anyway. The teenagers built a lovely slip-n-slide down the garden out-terraces with plastic tarps and a hose, had a wonderful time getting themselves bruised as well as wet. They brought us some rain from Florida, which we desperately needed, then got to watch our neighbors’ big fireworks display on Saturday night from the geyser at the creek. Played several rounds of disc golf, had to pull Stepdad’s handicap early – he’s a natural!

Meanwhile, #1 grandson Jahsh who has always lived with us and has at least twice the hair anybody needs, has decided to do dreadlocks. Yet another Veteran of Foreign Hairdos, which, given his long, not-curly tresses, is a ‘do that doesn’t come easy (though he’ll look pretty darned cool). The photo up top is of him heading out for the prom in May as a pirate, nobody was surprised. His girlfriend did make a very lovely mermaid!

Jahsh and our daughter are heading to Florida later this month for an extended stay, he’ll start college in January instead of August. His father (whom we hadn’t seen in five years) did make it for graduation, and has offered him a job at his comic book/toy store. I figure it’ll do him good to learn how to work for a living, though I doubt he’s going to learn much other than how cool it is to be the boss’s son…

Which, when all is said and done, will leave my Chia-Hubby and I here all on our lonesome for our 39th anniversary in September. My sister and her husband will be moving into their log McMansion nearby next month, so we’ll have some family close by, maybe she and I will finally get down to planning that Materia Medica herbal book we’ve been planning for the last 40 years to write.

Hope that your summer is going as swimmingly as mine, that your grandchildren don’t drive you crazy, and that everyone goes forward to remember 2008 as one of the best years of their lives!

It was an action-packed weekend. A total of 4 daughters (one by birth, three by stray whose kids call me “Aunt Granny”) one stray son and five semi-grands plus #1 grandson. Here for the youngest semi-grandson’s eighth birthday on Sunday. To make matters worse, the weather was absolutely dismal so there could be no friendly campfire for Peep-roasting, the ins and outs of having all those people coming and going from the cold and wet into the house completely trashed the place so that it’s taken two days just to reclaim the living area.

There were some issues that arose, particularly in regards to the younger boys (8 and 10) and 17-year old #1 grandson’s ample collection of serious weaponry that he just can’t seem to keep put safely away because he practices with them so often. I had to collect ninja knives and Samurai swords, one rapier and several heavy fantasy swords from them at various times, which they’d managed to fish out of some gawd-awful corner of grandson’s outrageously messy room when nobody was looking. The girls (4 and 14) were, as usual, perfect angels – ratted out those boys every time…

#1 Grandson lives here, graduates high school this year, and is an only child. This place is far out in the country with no immediate neighbors, surrounded by National Forest. When he was younger (about 8), we began allowing him to collect wooden practice swords and staffs, gave him form lessons to keep him busy. Our son (who died when grandson was just 2) had a double black belt in a weapons form of Kung-Fu (was also an amazing juggler and seasoned performer who once toured demonstrating his weapons skills on stage with his master). Grandson had inherited a lot of practice and show weapons, bought more once we allowed that beginning when he was 12. He makes spectacularly detailed Samurai armor by hand too, as well as fantasy chess sets from Sculpy – he’s extremely talented, we’ve always encouraged it.

He orders the swords and knives through a mail order company that sends him a catalog every 3 months, and he has amassed quite the collection. We’ve also allowed long bow and crossbow for target practice, and he’s very good at it. The problem is that he doesn’t always put his weapons safely away. When it’s just him it’s not a problem. When there’s little ones present, it IS a problem.

Now, I don’t mind if the younger boys target practice with the long bows. There’s a full dirt-bank target, and so long as there aren’t other kids or dogs in the area, they can’t hurt anything. There’s usually adults or elder grandson around to help keep them in line. The 10-year old has phenomenal aim, has his own bow and a straw target in his own yard and practices regularly. We’ve never allowed play guns that aren’t SuperSoakers or Nerf. No knife fights or sword fights using real weapons. There are well padded PVC and duct tape practice staffs and swords they can hit each other with all day and never leave a bruise.

But because elder grandson didn’t even try to get all his real weapons stashed where the kids couldn’t get them this past weekend, I’ve laid down the law. Summer’s coming, there will be lots of young-uns in and out, he graduates (and has his 18th birthday) in May, and while I understand his teenage distraction and inattention to detail, that distraction is WHY I’m laying down the law.

ALL of the metal weapons must be boxed atop the closet in the shed, where the unicycles, puppets and various impressive implements of snake-death are hung in rafters, in the building where we store the DR brush mower, the super Craftsman tiller, the chainsaws and chains, axes, mauls, pitchforks and other sharp implements that are necessary to keeping the land and crops. When (if?) he ever gets a place of his own, he can use them as steak knives for all I care. But since he’s going to college just 20 miles away, he’ll still be here for awhile. Besides, if he were living on-campus they’d never allow those weapons anyway.

He’s sulking, of course. “It’s so unfair!” he whines, knowing deep down that it’s his own fault. Being responsible with his weapons is a good lesson to learn, as well as remembering that he’s not the only grandkid we’ve got. He is much older than the rest of the brood, will be voting this year! That makes him a legal adult for most purposes, and despite all the distractions he very much needs to pay attention to these things.

Nobody’s perfect. That’s why being a parent and grandparent can still be such a challenge well after that kid gets to be a foot taller than you! The teenage brain is stuck somewhere between childhood and adult, there is still work to do. And, just to add to the observations from this end of the spectrum, they never really do grow up. They’ll always be your babies, so you’ll always be wanting to protect them. You can’t always succeed at that, but it’s just automatic to try.

When it comes to weapons, there is no try. There is do or not do, and the best advice is to DO!

6. If You Live Close, Set Babysitting Rules

If your kids live in the same town or area, you may fall into the “convenient” babysitter role. I’ve known grandmothers to get hoodwinked into providing full-time day care for young grandchildren because their daughter decided she didn’t want to deal with real day care when she went back to work. There’s nothing that can sour a grandma-grandchild relationship faster than a grandma who feels abused by the presence of that grandchild.

If you don’t plan to be full time caregiver, don’t volunteer for the job and don’t accept it when offered. Remind the kids that you already paid your baby-raising dues, and don’t plan to start all over again. Also beware of being the “convenient” sitter on call for any time the kids want a night out. Sometimes this can translate to indulgence, while putting the kibosh on all your plans for what YOU want to do.

7. Avoid the Dueling Grandmas Game

Often a grandma can be snowed with tales about what the ‘other’ grandparents do. If you fall for it, you may find that you’ve been hoodwinked into donating way more time, money and/or “goodies” than is good for anybody!

Often these days there are 3 or 4 grannies per grandchild, what with the burgeoning divorce and remarriage rate. And that situation has often conspired to contribute serious spoilage to the new parents as well as the grandkids. Parents and grandparents who vie for affection with bribes and fancy gifts aren’t really buying love. If love is what you’ve got to offer, it will be valuable in its own right.

8. If Finances are Tight, Consider Your Contributions Carefully

When families are starting out they often don’t have the accumulated means to buy a nice house or car, to purchase the nicest clothes or accessories, or afford the best pre-schools or private schools. Grandparents with money will often be asked to help.

Always consider whether what you can give is going to help or hurt the family in the long run. If you give them a down payment for an over-valued house with an ARM mortgage, they’re probably better off renting awhile longer. If the public schools aren’t bad, don’t get snookered into private school tuition just so the parents can brag. And if you don’t have much to spare, invest it for the grandchild instead – an educational fund is always a good investment that will benefit the child when she or he needs it for their own necessary future.

9. Respect The Parents’ Wishes

Sit down with your child and spouse and talk about what their parenting philosophy and hopes are. Then support that as much as you can. If they don’t want their child to watch violent television or movies, don’t let them watch such fare when you’re in charge. If they are raising their child to avoid meat, don’t sneak hot dogs or beef stew into ‘em. Same if they want their child to snack on fruit instead of candy, etc. If they’ve decided on a religion you don’t share, don’t try to undermine it.

This is basic common sense if you expect to have a significant role in your grandchild’s life.

10. Pay Personal Attention to Your Grandchild

Parents have a lot on their minds, often not much time for ‘quality’. Especially in households where both parents work full time and there’s more than one child a single child may feel she or he doesn’t get much one-on-one attention. Parents do the best they can, but the modern world isn’t easy.

A grandmother can offer a good chunk of that good-natured, non-judgmental, look ‘em in the eyes kind of attention that helps to bolster a child’s self-esteem. You can even be rewarded for this when that grandchild calls fairly regularly just to chat about what happened in school, who’s mad at whom, and share the details of their lives that are very important to them, but may not be so important to over-harried parents or siblings.

Posts to This Series:
Part 1: Tips 1 – 5
Part 2: Tips 6 – 10
Part 3: Tips 11 – 15

My newest grandchild is affectionately known as Sunshine (when she’s not being referred to by her eldest cousin as GuitarGreg) will be making her appearance within the next 10 days or so, 500 miles away. She’ll be my seventh and the oldest is 17, so I’ve a little grandmotherly experience. Since I’m not a perfect person, perfect parent or perfect grandparent, I’ve had to learn some things the hard way. This series lists 15 tips that might come in handy.

Part 1: Tips 1 – 5

For you new or expectant first-time Grannies out there, here’s tips 1 through 5…

1. Choose Your Granny Name Well, You’ll Have It Forever

If you don’t want to be called “Granny” or “Grandma” or “Grandmother,” come up with something you like better. Your grandchild will hopefully have at least two grandmothers, and you’ll want to distinguish your title from the others. My grandmothers were “Miss Granny” and “Lala,” my hubby only had one and she was the formal “Grandmother.” Some like “Nana” or “Nonie” and “Amah” is pretty good if you don’t mind the Asian overtones. “MeeMa” is another grandparent name among the tribe, while yet another is simply “Gram.”

It doesn’t really matter what they call you, but that’s who you’ll be to them all their lives. Whatever you decide, let your children know your wishes. If you don’t they’ll give you a granny title of their own choosing, and you’ll have a heck of a time undoing it!

2. Don’t Attempt to Dictate Names for the Baby

I don’t care if “everyone” in your family is named after a relative, you don’t get to decide who – if anyone – a grandchild is named after. This can cause no end of tension in a young family, because the spouse also has a family that will have ideas about who that baby should be named after.

When we started our family we purposely chose names that nobody on either side owned, so there wouldn’t be issues of favoritism. Then had to correct situations where grandparents, aunts and uncles wouldn’t call them by their actual names. Best idea is to be happy for whatever name the parents choose (don’t pout if it’s not your favorite), then pay attention to what THEY call their child. If you reinforce the child’s awakening to his or her own self-identity, it helps cement your relationship.

3. Be Careful With Your Pet Names

Just as you may want to choose your own grandmother title, you may be tempted to stick a cute kiddy nickname on your grandbaby. This may be entirely inappropriate, so approach this with caution. If the parents use a nick, you can probably use the same one. Or not, it mostly depends on your relationship.

It may be okay to call the child by his/her formal name, even if the parents use an informal nick. “Steven” instead of “Stevie,” “Abigail” instead of “Abbie,” things like that. This way the child knows s/he has a formal, important-sounding name, and that his/her grandmother says it like it really *is* important. Makes them feel grown up.

4. Package Advice With a Spoonful of Sugar

Giving advice is always a tricky thing, and when you’re dealing with new parents it’s good to remember they’ve been through a lot very recently in just getting that baby into the world. If possible always wait for the right opening – when your daughter asks or expresses confusion, or her spouse expresses frustration.

Whatever you do, try hard to avoid taking sides in any ongoing disagreements between the parents. The last thing you want to do is cement dissent in the new family, so it’s best to put your best UN-style diplomatic skills to good use. These skills are something grandmas possess in abundance!

5. Be Positive, Even if Your Son-In-Law is Worthless

I’m joking, of course. Heard a Bluegrass band on the radio the other day called “The Worthless Son-In-Laws” (sic), which is the best band name since grandson #1 came up with “Puppet Hand Gone Bad” some years ago. So long as your child is happy in her marriage and he’s not running around or beating her, give him the benefit of the doubt. If you keep an open mind and get to know him, you might even figure out what she sees in him!

Stay tuned for tip installment #2…

Posts to This Series:
Part 1: Tips 1 – 5
Part 2: Tips 6 – 10
Part 3: Tips 11 – 15

The Older Child Adoption and Permanency Movement logo – Adopt Older Kids and Youth: A-OKAY.

It’s really kind of strange. When our own children were babies – and at 14 months apart, they were babies at the same time – we were positively terrified by them. Or maybe by our own perceived responsibilities FOR them. We spent many a long night just watching them sleep, deciding what we would and wouldn’t do in relation to the way our parents raised us, sowing the seeds for all new mistakes we invented along the way.

We didn’t have much furniture, being in the Navy and having to move every few months. So when hubby was at nuke school (that came between A-school and sub-school) in Bainbridge and we were living in falling-down WW-II housing blocks in Aberdeen, we put a mattress in the middle of the living room floor, pillows against the walls against which we could sit.

Daughter, our eldest, was just new to walking and didn’t mind having to crawl on soft living room floor one bit. Son wasn’t yet a year old, crawling and rolling was his main means of locomotion. I recall days and weeks spent doing nothing (apart from the usual cooking, dishes and laundry) but rolling around on that mattress with them laughing as hard as they could. Or just watching them wrestle with each other. They were so beautiful! So new, so promising. So much our responsibility!

Our neighbor downstairs was on welfare. Had four children – all girls – and one on the way, her occasional live-in honey (and father to all, far as I could tell) was a truck driver, “home” only now and then. We often heard them fighting when he was around, and her yelling at the girls when he wasn’t. They ranged in age from 2 to 6. Blonde haired, blue-eyed, they looked amazingly alike.

That neighbor apparently wasn’t as worried about the future of her offspring as we were. One day I opened the door to go to the laundromat and found all four of them sitting at the top of the stairs looking hungry. It wasn’t 7 a.m. yet.

All kids look hungry when they’re at your door or in your kitchen, any time of day and all the way through high school. I already knew this from raising my own little brother and sisters, there being 5 children in my own family. They usually lack proper boots and coats and hats in bad weather too. Wise to that game, I knew it wasn’t a sign of abuse. Just kids being incorrigible.

So I invited the girls in, fed them cheap cereal and applesauce, then dropped them off at the building stoop as I headed down the block with mine in the double stroller with laundry baskets stacked atop the sunshade.

Naturally enough, they appeared on my doorstep regularly from then on. Even after the new baby was born, Mom apparently locked them out early and didn’t open the door until late. I didn’t have the balls at the time to complain, so that little apartment with the mattress on the living room floor was home for nearly 6 months to six children. I’m sure the complex neighbors thought they all belonged to me. I didn’t mind all that much.

Soon hubby was transferred to Philadelphia in transit, then on to New London for sub school, I went with the children to stay with his parents in Oklahoma, then with my Dad in Kentucky when hubby went on his first Polaris patrol. Never saw or heard from those pretty little girls again, have no idea if they all grew up and if they did, how they turned out.

But I’d bet you a fin that if you knew one or more of them today, and asked them about their “difficult childhood,” they’d say they remember the lady upstairs with the babies, who had a mattress on the living room floor instead of a rug, and enjoyed nothing more than playing with them all day long. And who made really mean PBJs and oatmeal.

After the Navy years, as our kids grew up, there were of course many more strays. Sometimes our kids would bring them home, sometimes they’d just find their own way to our home. It was always crowded, I always cooked for a crowd, and it was a very rare evening hubby and I ever got to spend alone. Ended up actually adopting three teens of a friend who died, I consider the rest adopted as well even though we never went to court. Their children count among my grands too, and still the house is usually overflowing and I still cook for crowds.

We thought that when ours grew up (finally!) they’d leave home and start their own lives, I’d be able to actually wear some of those sexy nighties hubby gives me for Christmas and birthday every year, but which I never get to wear. It never worked out that way, though. I’ve got a wonderful collection of soft, silky, frilly little nothings that still have the tags attached, some of them 15 or 20 years old! I am pretty sure I wouldn’t look so good in them anymore even if I did get the chance to wear ‘em.

And you know what? I don’t believe I’ve missed a darned thing! Once you start looking at your life from this end of it, and start weighing the pros and cons of what dreams you had that never came true versus what nightmares you had that did come true, wearing sexy little nothings doesn’t seem to count for a whole lot. If in the end a life is valued for how it touches on and affects other people’s lives over the course of the journey, then I must be very rich even though it’s sometimes a struggle just to put food on the table. And that’s worth more than that red silk teddy with the Belgian lace… which I’ll probably leave to one of my beautiful daughters – tags still attached – when it’s a certifiable antique. They’d love to have it!

People don’t ‘do’ children these days like they used to. Why, in my parents’ generation it wasn’t at all unusual for a couple to have a dozen or more children, and for parents to become grandparents while they were still popping out a baby every other year!

In those days a parent had plenty of time to become a ‘Pro’ while still having children to personally raise. Make the worst mistakes with the eldest, the least with the youngest, and all the kids in between suffering a little less of that “rough childhood syndrome” as time went along. Not everybody’s family was The Waltons, where Ma and Pa were pros right from the start.

Of course, those darned Waltons did have Grandma and Grampa living with them. Or they lived with the grands (it being the Great Depression and all). These days most couples have just a few children, two being average and four being a regular big deal. And with a transient society where people move around a lot to get good work, grandparents aren’t as prevalent in a child’s life as they once were either.

We found that there were some basic no-nos as kids get older that they’d figured out a long time ago, while we were busy making the same mistakes they’d already learned were mistakes. These aren’t the same as deciding whether corporal punishment will ever be allowed, or how you’ll organize bedtime, time-outs and encourage helpfulness around the house for your toddlers and pre-schoolers.

Hardly anyone gets “taught” about parenthood – it’s a trial-by-fire feet-first dive into the deep end of life. And if you’re only going to do it once or twice in your life, it would be advisable to avoid known mistakes. Older kids need more space than young children do, and more respect for their autonomy. It’s easy to forget day to day that your babies are growing up quickly, but that’s just what happens anyway. Best to be prepared for that eventuality early on as well.

Below are some worlds of wisdom from old-timers, that should be taken to heart even as your life and lifestyle changes to accommodate babies. Because they won’t be babies very long.

Mistakes Not to Make with Older Children

1. Failing to respect your children’s privacy. Having a place of their own becomes especially important as children reach adolescence. This place could be as insignificant as a purse, a diary, a shoebox of notes or even just a drawer in a desk. The important thing is that your child understand that this is his/her private space, and that you will not rummage through it without permission.

2. Betraying your children’s confidence. Children need to feel that they can trust their parents at a basic level. Such trust forms the foundation of self-esteem and trust in others. One way to earn a child’s trust is to respect their ’secrets’. The only time this confidence should be sacrificed is when not doing so would endanger your child or someone else. And even then, a simple and honest explanation to the child is warranted.

3. Not setting appropriate limits. Children of all ages need limits. House rules, curfews, respect toward other household members, etc. It can be difficult for parents to be firm and consistent in setting and enforcing such limits, but a parent is not the same thing as a good buddy. Kids need parents to be in charge, and can become anxious and afraid if they see parental weakness.

4. Not following through on rules and punishments. The consequences of not following through are similar to not setting the appropriate limits in the first place. Children will feel out of control and behave worse than before. In general this leads to frustration for everyone.

5. Relinquishing control of your children to someone else. Fewer children these days are being raised in a traditional two-parent household than ever before. In most homes where there are two parents, both parents work. This makes regular outside child care a necessity, and this can cause confusion about who is really in charge – the parents or the caregiver. Children need to feel that their parents are strong and in control, and that they understand from home what their manners, duties and responsibilities are. Parents should make sure child care personnel have similar rules and punishments, or make sure the caregiver knows what is expected.

6. Constantly criticizing your children. Parents can be critical of their children because they love them so much. But too much criticism can make a child shy and reluctant to engage, can cause poor self esteem, and can seriously affect success at school.

Trying to change your child’s personality. Nobody’s perfect. The impulse to try and change a child’s personality into something s/he is not can do serious damage to the child’s self esteem and confidence. Avoid the temptation, learn to enjoy your children for who they are as unique individuals.

7. Use inappropriate statements as discipline. Things NOT to say:
- “You’re bad.”
- “Wait till Daddy comes home!”
- “Because I’m the Boss, that’s why.”
- “Your [sister, brother] doesn’t do that.”
- “See if I care.”
- “You never do anything right.”
In other words, don’t threaten them with your partner’s wrath, don’t pretend you don’t care, don’t compare them with someone else, and don’t belittle their being.

8. Foster dependence long after it’s realistic. Successful parenting prepares children to make their own way in the world as best they can. Growing childrens’ benchmarks all seem to come with signs of increasing independence. Allow them that independence, but don’t encourage complete disinterest. Be proud of their benchmarks – and tell them you’re proud.

Children are a huge disruption in any couple’s life, and a big responsibility. Yet they’re the most rewarding of life’s investments, an expansion of a love you may have thought couldn’t get any greater. Perhaps that’s why they call having children “Multiplying” instead of “Dividing,” eh?