It was an action-packed weekend. A total of 4 daughters (one by birth, three by stray whose kids call me “Aunt Granny”) one stray son and five semi-grands plus #1 grandson. Here for the youngest semi-grandson’s eighth birthday on Sunday. To make matters worse, the weather was absolutely dismal so there could be no friendly campfire for Peep-roasting, the ins and outs of having all those people coming and going from the cold and wet into the house completely trashed the place so that it’s taken two days just to reclaim the living area.

There were some issues that arose, particularly in regards to the younger boys (8 and 10) and 17-year old #1 grandson’s ample collection of serious weaponry that he just can’t seem to keep put safely away because he practices with them so often. I had to collect ninja knives and Samurai swords, one rapier and several heavy fantasy swords from them at various times, which they’d managed to fish out of some gawd-awful corner of grandson’s outrageously messy room when nobody was looking. The girls (4 and 14) were, as usual, perfect angels – ratted out those boys every time…

#1 Grandson lives here, graduates high school this year, and is an only child. This place is far out in the country with no immediate neighbors, surrounded by National Forest. When he was younger (about 8), we began allowing him to collect wooden practice swords and staffs, gave him form lessons to keep him busy. Our son (who died when grandson was just 2) had a double black belt in a weapons form of Kung-Fu (was also an amazing juggler and seasoned performer who once toured demonstrating his weapons skills on stage with his master). Grandson had inherited a lot of practice and show weapons, bought more once we allowed that beginning when he was 12. He makes spectacularly detailed Samurai armor by hand too, as well as fantasy chess sets from Sculpy – he’s extremely talented, we’ve always encouraged it.

He orders the swords and knives through a mail order company that sends him a catalog every 3 months, and he has amassed quite the collection. We’ve also allowed long bow and crossbow for target practice, and he’s very good at it. The problem is that he doesn’t always put his weapons safely away. When it’s just him it’s not a problem. When there’s little ones present, it IS a problem.

Now, I don’t mind if the younger boys target practice with the long bows. There’s a full dirt-bank target, and so long as there aren’t other kids or dogs in the area, they can’t hurt anything. There’s usually adults or elder grandson around to help keep them in line. The 10-year old has phenomenal aim, has his own bow and a straw target in his own yard and practices regularly. We’ve never allowed play guns that aren’t SuperSoakers or Nerf. No knife fights or sword fights using real weapons. There are well padded PVC and duct tape practice staffs and swords they can hit each other with all day and never leave a bruise.

But because elder grandson didn’t even try to get all his real weapons stashed where the kids couldn’t get them this past weekend, I’ve laid down the law. Summer’s coming, there will be lots of young-uns in and out, he graduates (and has his 18th birthday) in May, and while I understand his teenage distraction and inattention to detail, that distraction is WHY I’m laying down the law.

ALL of the metal weapons must be boxed atop the closet in the shed, where the unicycles, puppets and various impressive implements of snake-death are hung in rafters, in the building where we store the DR brush mower, the super Craftsman tiller, the chainsaws and chains, axes, mauls, pitchforks and other sharp implements that are necessary to keeping the land and crops. When (if?) he ever gets a place of his own, he can use them as steak knives for all I care. But since he’s going to college just 20 miles away, he’ll still be here for awhile. Besides, if he were living on-campus they’d never allow those weapons anyway.

He’s sulking, of course. “It’s so unfair!” he whines, knowing deep down that it’s his own fault. Being responsible with his weapons is a good lesson to learn, as well as remembering that he’s not the only grandkid we’ve got. He is much older than the rest of the brood, will be voting this year! That makes him a legal adult for most purposes, and despite all the distractions he very much needs to pay attention to these things.

Nobody’s perfect. That’s why being a parent and grandparent can still be such a challenge well after that kid gets to be a foot taller than you! The teenage brain is stuck somewhere between childhood and adult, there is still work to do. And, just to add to the observations from this end of the spectrum, they never really do grow up. They’ll always be your babies, so you’ll always be wanting to protect them. You can’t always succeed at that, but it’s just automatic to try.

When it comes to weapons, there is no try. There is do or not do, and the best advice is to DO!

People don’t ‘do’ children these days like they used to. Why, in my parents’ generation it wasn’t at all unusual for a couple to have a dozen or more children, and for parents to become grandparents while they were still popping out a baby every other year!

In those days a parent had plenty of time to become a ‘Pro’ while still having children to personally raise. Make the worst mistakes with the eldest, the least with the youngest, and all the kids in between suffering a little less of that “rough childhood syndrome” as time went along. Not everybody’s family was The Waltons, where Ma and Pa were pros right from the start.

Of course, those darned Waltons did have Grandma and Grampa living with them. Or they lived with the grands (it being the Great Depression and all). These days most couples have just a few children, two being average and four being a regular big deal. And with a transient society where people move around a lot to get good work, grandparents aren’t as prevalent in a child’s life as they once were either.

We found that there were some basic no-nos as kids get older that they’d figured out a long time ago, while we were busy making the same mistakes they’d already learned were mistakes. These aren’t the same as deciding whether corporal punishment will ever be allowed, or how you’ll organize bedtime, time-outs and encourage helpfulness around the house for your toddlers and pre-schoolers.

Hardly anyone gets “taught” about parenthood – it’s a trial-by-fire feet-first dive into the deep end of life. And if you’re only going to do it once or twice in your life, it would be advisable to avoid known mistakes. Older kids need more space than young children do, and more respect for their autonomy. It’s easy to forget day to day that your babies are growing up quickly, but that’s just what happens anyway. Best to be prepared for that eventuality early on as well.

Below are some worlds of wisdom from old-timers, that should be taken to heart even as your life and lifestyle changes to accommodate babies. Because they won’t be babies very long.

Mistakes Not to Make with Older Children

1. Failing to respect your children’s privacy. Having a place of their own becomes especially important as children reach adolescence. This place could be as insignificant as a purse, a diary, a shoebox of notes or even just a drawer in a desk. The important thing is that your child understand that this is his/her private space, and that you will not rummage through it without permission.

2. Betraying your children’s confidence. Children need to feel that they can trust their parents at a basic level. Such trust forms the foundation of self-esteem and trust in others. One way to earn a child’s trust is to respect their ’secrets’. The only time this confidence should be sacrificed is when not doing so would endanger your child or someone else. And even then, a simple and honest explanation to the child is warranted.

3. Not setting appropriate limits. Children of all ages need limits. House rules, curfews, respect toward other household members, etc. It can be difficult for parents to be firm and consistent in setting and enforcing such limits, but a parent is not the same thing as a good buddy. Kids need parents to be in charge, and can become anxious and afraid if they see parental weakness.

4. Not following through on rules and punishments. The consequences of not following through are similar to not setting the appropriate limits in the first place. Children will feel out of control and behave worse than before. In general this leads to frustration for everyone.

5. Relinquishing control of your children to someone else. Fewer children these days are being raised in a traditional two-parent household than ever before. In most homes where there are two parents, both parents work. This makes regular outside child care a necessity, and this can cause confusion about who is really in charge – the parents or the caregiver. Children need to feel that their parents are strong and in control, and that they understand from home what their manners, duties and responsibilities are. Parents should make sure child care personnel have similar rules and punishments, or make sure the caregiver knows what is expected.

6. Constantly criticizing your children. Parents can be critical of their children because they love them so much. But too much criticism can make a child shy and reluctant to engage, can cause poor self esteem, and can seriously affect success at school.

Trying to change your child’s personality. Nobody’s perfect. The impulse to try and change a child’s personality into something s/he is not can do serious damage to the child’s self esteem and confidence. Avoid the temptation, learn to enjoy your children for who they are as unique individuals.

7. Use inappropriate statements as discipline. Things NOT to say:
- “You’re bad.”
- “Wait till Daddy comes home!”
- “Because I’m the Boss, that’s why.”
- “Your [sister, brother] doesn’t do that.”
- “See if I care.”
- “You never do anything right.”
In other words, don’t threaten them with your partner’s wrath, don’t pretend you don’t care, don’t compare them with someone else, and don’t belittle their being.

8. Foster dependence long after it’s realistic. Successful parenting prepares children to make their own way in the world as best they can. Growing childrens’ benchmarks all seem to come with signs of increasing independence. Allow them that independence, but don’t encourage complete disinterest. Be proud of their benchmarks – and tell them you’re proud.

Children are a huge disruption in any couple’s life, and a big responsibility. Yet they’re the most rewarding of life’s investments, an expansion of a love you may have thought couldn’t get any greater. Perhaps that’s why they call having children “Multiplying” instead of “Dividing,” eh?

In my last post I talked about how important it is for expectant young parents to spend time talking with each other about their own childhoods, and what they thought their parents had done right and wrong. The better to come to mutual agreement on some of the things they will and will not do for their children.

In this post let’s look at some of the positive commitments sociologists and psychologists consider to be important for children and families. The issues for younger children usually have to do with rules, discipline and the ‘balance of power’ in the home.

1. Make your rules as simple as possible.
The adult world is complicated, even for adults. Young children need not to be faced with blatant contradictions when they’re trying to learn how to function in the world, so keep things simple and direct. You’ll inevitably have occasional exceptions, but it’s best to save them for after the kids have learned what the rules are.

One of the most important rules for both children and parents I see most inconsistently applied – or not imposed at all – is a regular bedtime. As soon as babies get settled in enough to sleep through the night, they should be introduced to their bedtime. Depending on the sleeping arrangements and schedules of all concerned, of course, but parents have very good reasons for gently, lovingly but firmly imposing and enforcing this one consistently.

First, children are energy-sappers big time. They tend to wake up early in the morning, go strong all day long (naps are a good idea too!), and will stay up until they litterally fall on their faces if parents don’t insist on a regular bedtime. Parental exhaustion leads to problems in a home. So does a total lack of parental privacy and adult-time. These are very important for the couple and for the strength and happiness of their marriage. There’s enough unhappiness out there. Don’t let kids be responsible for more than their share of it!

I always got my kids to bed by 8:30 unless there was something important that interfered, and maintained that bedtime until they got to at least the 4th grade. At which point it was 9:00, then 9:30 when they got to adolescence. I impose that on my grandchildren too – with a smile and a kiss and a story and a tuck-in after bath and brushed teeth (this is a whole routine), even though some of my grandchildren don’t have regular bedtimes at home and never have had them.

Not amazingly, they don’t mind at all. In fact, they LIKE it! It gives them special, one-on-one time and attention, lets them know there’s plenty to do tomorrow and they should get busy having good dreams, and they aren’t nearly such a handful the next morning, either. Nothing worse than a kid who doesn’t get enough sleep.

It’s just Grandma’s way, and they do fine with it. Psychologists, researchers and educational specialists all report that children don’t get enough sleep these days, and that it’s a serious issue. It affects their behavior at home and in school. It affects their learning and their grades – not for the better. And it also affects their health. All of these should matter a great deal to parents, so don’t be wishy-washy about it. Have a bedtime, and stick with it. And whatever you do, don’t let television get in the way! Kids watch way too much of it, don’t let them get into a habit of late evening TV watching. It’ll make ‘em dull…

2. Give explanations for your rules.
I’ve offered good reasons for a regularly scheduled bedtime, easily explained to kids with “You need to sleep, it’s good for you,” and “We need our adult time, it’s kid’s time for bed.” Make it easy for other rules as well, such as picking up toys and dropped clothing, etc. Don’t just bark orders, tell them you don’t want to fall over their blocks, don’t want to lose their coats, something like that.

If you won’t allow your children to eat their meals in the living room in front of the TV, tell them you enjoy their company at the dining table and want to hear about their day. If you won’t let them watch television until their homework is done, tell them how smart they are, how proud you are of their accomplishments at school, and how much it means to you that they continue to do well. If you have reasons, you can likely find a way to explain it simply to your children. They’ll learn good reasoning skills, and you won’t have to fight (much) with them about it.

3. Be a good example.
Children don’t understand subtleties very well. Throwing a sponge ball across the room is the same to them as throwing a baseball, but that baseball is going to smash something. Don’t do something you’ve forbidden them. If they can’t throw baseballs in the house, don’t play catch with your spouse in the house. They may not understand subtleties, but they readily perceive hypocrisy!

4. Be consistent.
While rules will sometimes be bent or exempted due to unusual circumstances, your goal should be to teach your children that breaking rules will have consequences. These should of course not be too harsh, but they should be unpleasant enough that the child doesn’t want to face them on a regular basis.

Consequences should be imposed immediately so the child can easily make the connection between the rulebreaking and its result. If throwing that baseball (whether or not it breaks the Ming vase) means a 15-minute time out, put the child in the chair and explain the offense right now – before cleaning up the mess. And make him stay in that chair for the whole 15 minutes. You might even make an elaborate deal out of the clean-up if you think it will make the point. If nothing was broken make her stay in the chair for the full time out anyway, then go right back to whatever else you were doing.

Okay, that’s a good start! There is plenty of good advice out there related to these issues, so check some of the links below.

Links:

Planning: Rules and Routines

Parenting & Children: Rules for the Family

Congratulations! Whether you planned to have a baby right now or were just pleasantly surprised by the next generation knocking on your life-door, now is a very good time to sit down with your partner and openly discuss some of the issues you’ll face as parents. Doesn’t matter if you have just one child, or plan to raise a whole brood. The decisions you make now about your parental roles will affect everyone in the family for better or worse.

Having a baby is just the beginning. As I’ve warned my youngest daughter struggling through morning sickness with her first baby. Raising the child entails a lot of planning and work that new parents often neglect to do before the babies come along. Sure, you can learn by experience – what we used to call the “School of Hard Knocks” – but who really wants to make big mistakes along the way that their children may suffer from?

When we were young and facing parenthood, my husband and I spent many a long night just talking about our own childhoods, and the things we thought our parents did wrong. That’s actually the easy part. You can then come up with some statements about what you won’t do to your own children.

We didn’t like getting hit with weapons (like a belt, a paddle, or the back of a hairbrush), as if a full grow adult’s hand weren’t weapon enough to ‘knock some sense into’ a young child. Ix-nay on the physical beatings. We didn’t like not having our own separate identities, forever being lumped in with all the children when it came to punishments and rewards. So we promised ourselves we wouldn’t assume guilt or innocence equally among our children, and wouldn’t ever call any of them “Hey, You” (yes, there were a lot of kids in my family).

Each couple will bring resentments and fond memories of their childhood to their marriage. It is important to know these, and make a real effort to repeat what went right while avoiding the mistakes yourselves. But that doesn’t mean you won’t invent all new mistakes, so it’s also a good thing to extend a little forgiveness to your parents for their shortcomings. You’ll be in a position to want forgiveness from your children someday too!

After some months of this in-depth parental analysis, I printed our decisions in magic marker on a piece of parchment and framed it to hang on the wall. Where we kept it until the kids started school (and could read it for themselves – watch out for that, they’ll nail you on it).

Nor did we abide our decisions completely, all the time. It’s very easy to become overwhelmed by the stresses and strains of everyday life with children, and automatically fall into the patterns our parents set – they’re really all we DO know about parenting at the primal level. So despite my solemn oath never to hit my children, when they decided to play in the street one day and the screeching of tires barely missing them sent my heart somewhere down around my ankles, I did it.

I busted their little butts – over my knee, just like my Mom did for a similar infraction when I was maybe 3. Didn’t really hurt them (certainly not like that car could have hurt them!), but I felt bad and never did it again. Of course, it was so out of character that they never tried playing in the street again either. I count that as a good lesson learned. You can reason with ‘em all day on something like that and it’ll mean exactly squat if they decide to test your theories and end up dead or in ICU for months.

So take the time to have these discussions with your mate, and get some ideas about the directions you do and don’t want to go with your own children. There are of course many more issues that must be explored as your family begins to grow, and I’ll talk about some of those in later posts. Some of you will no doubt be happy to know that there’s a lot of research out there about these things – what children need, what parents need, what families need. So be sure and stay tuned!